Rest

 Tonight I go to bed not because I am exhausted, but because I am at peace.  

Maybe one day soon I’ll catch up writing about the past few days of my adventure in Scotland, and possibly the past few difficult months…years, really of every kind of hurt. But not tonight. Tonight I’m both sleepy and calm; a combination that has eluded me far too long. 

Tonight, with eyes droopy after a long day driving through not-quite-even-a-full lane road surrounded by sheep, highland lochs, wildflowers, wind and rain, and splashes of sun; after  breathing in immense beautiful with my whole soul, now with the perfectly timed crashing of the North Atlantic Ocean outside my window, I’ll rest. 

New Chapter: How I came to be in Scotland

How I came to be in Scotland. 

Without going into too many details, which I’ll save for another post I ended up in Scotland because of cancer.

In March I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had just had the fifth surgery on my knees two weeks before I was diagnosed details for another time.

I have had two partial mastectomies/lumpectomies since then.  The surgeon was sure that he had gotten it all the first time, but with multiple positive margins, I went in for a second surgery. 

When I met with the surgeon last Thursday to get my stitches removed, he told me that unfortunately, there was still at least one positive margin. Meaning I would need yet another surgery. My body is very stealthy and its attempts to kill me.

I’m mostly writing this post just to document what will be the first dose of a medication I will be on for years. Tamoxifen.

Since I’m not able to start radiation as planned, I’ll need to start taking tamoxifen now. (However, it’s contra indicated with surgery—because nothing in my life can be simple. I will take it for one week and then hold it a week before surgery and two weeks after.) but we have to start treating it somehow with all these delays in the cancer still being in me, so this is the solution for now.

My surgeon said that he will be on vacation until July 9. But will get me on his schedule for a third partial mastectomy/lumpectomy shortly after he returns. 

I told him that if he was going on vacation, maybe I would go on vacation too and we could meet back, along with the anesthesiologist again in 2 weeks. 

To be fair I had already been and always am looking at flights and locations to explore. 

I somehow settled on Scotland and I’m so glad I did. I’ve only been here about 14 hours but somehow the moodiness of the weather and texture of all the stones and different colors of greens have been good for me.

To be honest, I’ve put off taking this pill for a few days because I’ve heard the side effects are so bad and just wanted a few days without new side effects and pains and hurts. But it needs to be done.

I’m not really one for pomp or circumstance but it’s somehow helpful for me for those to be a little ritualistic tonight, sitting in my lovely hotel room with the pill set out on the table documenting— accepting—starting—what will be prominent event in my story. 

Taking the first of many pills that I will be taking for years to come.