Sunday, August 18, 2013

I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want.

I want it all. But mostly I want a million kids. Orphans. And my own, that’d be cool, too. A science experiment with someone else to see what happens when you mash our genes together. I’d like that too. But definitely orphans.

I want to be the crazy lady with 40+ kids. I feel like God as put my kids all around the world and I need to go and collect them. And I will apologize to each one of them telling them I’m sorry it took me so long to find them. I will take in anyone who’s ever felt unloved. I will beat it into their heads that they are mine. And always were, just misplaced. And I will spend forever forcing the truth that I love them on them until they are so sick of hearing it they’ll want to puke their guts out.

And I want to play with them. I want to bless and hug them. I want them to be happy and healthy. Pretty much my main motivation for learning sometimes is so that I’ll be more proficient than I am now at things, like eating healthy, and being kind for when I do have my kids.

In a lot of ways, I feel like I’ve spent a large portion of my life trying to parent myself. To teach myself the things I wish I had learned as a child. Even just basics, like brush your teeth, comb your hair, share. Like learn to apologize. To let things go. I do the best I can to coach myself in things like this so that when I have my first, and 42nd child I’ll be a better coach for them so that they will grow up with a passion for learning and because knowing these things young can have a huge impact your entire life and make it much more enjoyable from the start. I’m still trying to teach myself some basic things that a lot of people have never been taught.

Often when I’m really struggling with something, I’ll think to myself, what would I hope my children would do, what would I counsel them to do if they were in this situation? To be honest, a lot of the time I get over things so quickly...but even if they don’t matter much to my head... I treat it as though it is really impacting me so that I could learn how to get through it and be a better resource for my kids.

And I want to be a world traveler, going around collecting my children from wherever they are in the world and bringing them back home to me and then taking them out again scouring the planet seeing all that God has given us and bringing more into our family. Our perfectly chaotic, blissfully weird family.

Although, being on my own and lacking funds and time for the support of 40+ orphans right now, I’ll have to start with just one or two. I already found three of my children, in Ecuador. I don’t know how to get them though. Their mother won’t give up her rights, although from what I can see-all three of them being in the orphanage-she doesn’t want them. And in Ecuador you can’t choose the child you want to adopt. Two major obstacles to getting them here. Okay maybe five. Five of my kids are there but three of them are siblings and want them together, so I’d take them first to prevent them from being split up into different orphanages, even they haven’t been already.

I’d take them home today if I could. I don’t say that tongue in cheek. I would actually take them home today and I would make it work. Whatever it took.

It’s so frustrating to love someone so much and not be able to have them. Not even really to have them, but to make sure they have what they need. Even if I don’t have them, how can I make sure they have all the could ever possibly benefit from? I’m sure I’d be okay with someone else having them if they’d be good to them. Sure, I would rather have them. They are mine. But if I couldn’t...I at least want them protected, blessed with the opportunity for whatever future it is they want. I want them to have a choice.

There you have it. I want to be crazy, orphan-loving, adopting mad woman.

Apparently I blog on Sundays.

Because the topic of me dating comes up a lot of church-well everywhere really-with being a traveling nurse, I end up having a lot of conversations about it on Sundays, and apparently...I blog on Sundays.

A guy sent me this song once when we were kind of dating, saying he thought it described me and saw me living kind of by this philosophy. Okay, great song. I do identify. A bit. Okay, I can see how it would appear this way on the surface. But the reality is, as Kelli says, when I fall it's going to be hard. And she's right. And no guy will ever feel more special :).

People often tell me, "if you don't slow down, how is anyone ever going to catch you". My response to this is: Why should I have to slow down, why can't a guy just keep up?

That is still my philosophy. I'll never settle, and I won't be settled for. I was once so in love that I broke up with the guy because I knew he didn't love me enough back. Had that love not been so strong and allowed for any kind of selfishness, I'd be married now. But I loved him enough to break my own heart and to let him go. I knew that he could never love me as much as I needed him to, and mostly, I wanted him to be able to feel the way I felt about him toward someone someday. So I let him go, to find someone he could really love. And there was no way I was going to marry someone who would be convinced by those around him that he was settling, which was also the case.

I won't settle. And I won't be settled for. I'll be happy regardless, but I promise you this: If I ever do fall deep in love enough to marry it will be one the greatest and brightest loves you'll ever see...because that's what I'll give, and I'll accept no less in return.

Nothing of importance...

I’ve written a few things lately. None of which are suitable for a general audience. It’s strange the things that come out of yourself sometimes. I’m in Charleston, South Carolina now. It’s lovely. It’s a very chill place. I think I’d really like it here if I was around long enough to form a group of friends. Because it is so chill it seems like a place best enjoyed by making your own fun with people you get along with. And I prefer to do the outdoor active stuff with people, like kayak/paddle board the swamp. Water is always much for fun to play in when you have accomplices.

My youngest sister, Lois, is due to have her third child (gender unknown!) shortly after I finish my contract here. I’m pretty excited about that. I was able to be at the birth of her first child and arrived one hour after the birth of her second child. (It was my last day of a contract in San Diego and when I heard she was in labor I begged to skip town to hop a flight to be there.) I’m hoping I’ll be able to be around for this one too.

After Charleston that’s my only plan as of right now. But with my student loans being paid off I’d also like to go back to school. And conquer the world, and a myriad of other things. I’ll probably keep traveling by default but as of now I’m planning on going to see her baby and maybe take the rest of the year off to enjoy the holidays. I may start collecting again for the orphanages in Ecuador and spend part of my time off down there. Maybe I’ll take a permanent job after that for a couple of years so I can go back to school. Or since, I no longer have student loans I could sell my car and travel until I completely run out of money. Or maybe, I’ll try to see what can be done about my ankle.

I’ve always been afraid of surgery because I think it can be pretty damaging to the body. Now, after having had my tonsils out (the world’s simplest surgery) and no longer being able to open my mouth all the way along with the chronic, sometimes pretty intense jaw pain, I”m more scared than ever to find out for sure if surgery is my only option. *Sigh. I did work with a sports medicine chiropractor for a couple of months in Texas and saw some slight relief. He pointed out though, that if I hadn’t fully recovered or at least able to weight bare appropriately after having put in so much work it's most likely a problem needing surgery. Lame. (HA! Lame. get it. I can’t use my foot. Lame. Shut up, it's funny.)

Of all of my options, taking a permanent job scares me the most. What if I hate where I live. What if I hate my job. What if I have to work more than 7 months out of the year?! Is it worth it to go back to school and maybe even get my ankle fixed? Aye aye aye.

It was funny in church today as a few people mentioned their big, scary move out to Charleston where the only people they knew would be their wives/husbands and how would they ever make it. I forget some people feel that way sometimes. I may be getting too comfortable on my own because it’s becoming very difficult for me to relate to people when they say things like that. Or when they introduce themselves as "new" in the ward, only to find out they've been there a year. I know I look at them blankly searching for something to say but I don’t even really understand the sentence. Maybe that’s bad. I don’t know. All I know is, that I’ve really enjoyed my life. It’s got it’s pros and cons for sure, but I realized that I only ended up working about 7 months last year and all the cool things I was able to do and the great people I’ve been able to meet, I’ve felt very blessed.

The plan was always to go back to school once I paid off my student loans, but’s scary. Not the going back to school, having to stay in one place with zero time off. That’s scary. Not being able to avoid office politics and staff meetings. YIKES. How do you people do it? Is that not the most terrifying thing ever?

And besides, where would I live, if I did stay in one place? I really am liking the south. But the pay here might not be able to support me while going back to school.

This is basically a post just to put something up on my blog. There is nothing particularly interesting happening in my life right now other than the anticipation of Lois and Robert’s new little nugget coming. EEK! I’m so excited.