I really really really want to go!

I have the opportunity to go to Thailand, well Asia. I applied for a study abroad program through the University of Utah. The program doesn’t start until mid-December and I have no where to be until then. (I literally don’t have anywhere to just be. A physical place to exist in, I have not. I quit my job to go home to see my Dad after a serious hospitalization-everything looks ok now-and to save my soul. It was one of those working environments.) So essentially I have 7 weeks before I have to be in Thailand for the study abroad. What to do until then? WELL.

:) Well, I have a sister in China right now teaching English and how cool would it be to fly to China and work my way over to Thailand from there? Pretty darn cool my friends.

Anyway, that’s my idea. I run into these problems though: I’m American. Blonde. Female. Traveling alone. And drop dead gorgeous. Life just is not fair.

There are probably a few people that I could call and might be able to travel with me but this is something I really want to do on my own.

I’ve lost a lot of myself in the last year or so. The bay area is rough. The people are hurtful and have left some scars; some that I feel have impacted me more than I would have liked and made me ugly.

I’ve never been an uber-motivated person but I do ok. Anything that I have been able to do has been of my own accord even if it did take more work for my to muster the commitment more than it does for most. I need to go back there. I need to get to a place where I am my own captain and rough seas (or people) will not sway my connection with God and my confidence in myself. I’m embarrassed that for as close as I felt to my Heavenly Father I was so, comparatively, easily swayed and brought down. Disparaging myself-and worse, others- along the way. When I should have been building us all up, I all but joined the sad and non-progressive attitude of the area.

At one point to squelch the disconnect I felt there, and knowing how close a connection my happiness and spirit have to both progressive goals and fitness, I did my best and tried to train for a marathon. It did help but I didn’t fight hard enough, getting up to 15.5 miles (hill training even!) and when my body gave up on one run, so did I, feeling the heavy weight of bay area general increase of gravity on ones gumption.

I do not blame the people. I blame myself for not rising above it and living in ways that I know bring happiness. Suffice it to say I am painfully lazy, listless, and have the untrue notion that nothing matters and regardless of the effort I put in today will eventually be swallowed up in my inability to maintain positive change.

That being said, I would love to go to Asia. I know travel doesn’t solve problems but it does, I believe make one a better person and make one look introspectively. I’ve felt it before and it feels good. It’s like it’s okay to be who I choose and I have to because there are so many outside factors to choose against. I could really use the time to commune with myself, make conscious decisions of how I will behave and how I will treat others. It will also give me time to improve upon my physical health (which as I stated before has a major effect on my spiritual well-being). I hope to do a lot of land travel. I’m not sure how much will be possible just yet, but that would be ideal.

I’ve been told I don’t give myself enough credit and I know I should be proud of my 15.5 miles (which I was, well am) but what good does having done it once do for my body and soul now? if I don’t keep it up? If I give up when things get tough? That’s never been my style and I fear I may have adopted a little bit of the bay area passive approach to life; waiting for things to happen to me and being pushed around by whatever blows my way or creates resistance. I think I’ll go back to plowing my own way, thank you very much. I was much happier welcoming the bumps in the road as something to look back on as another mountain climbed.

More to come...well probably not, but I’m going to post this before I delete it entirely. :)

Lately...

I don’t blog much. In fact, I hate writing. I’m more of a speaker, despite my best efforts to keep my mouth shut.This is merely my attempt to be a little more than completely anti-productive.

This year has been a doosey. (And by year I mean 12 months, not specifically a calendar year).

I spent the last year and a half in the bay area of California. A beautiful, beautiful place, with not so beautiful people. I know everywhere has it’s problem people but it just seemed that nearly all the people there hated everyone. Without going into details I can say that it was enough to leave some significant scars and making me feel like a hateful, callous hermit. And any place that’s mean enough to hermitize me is pretty ugly as, once again, despite my best efforts, I’m a social girl. I like to be around people. I like new experiences and new places, and most of all a good laugh at all our awkward attempts at being human.

I miss having good friends. A lot. I’ve done a fair amount of traveling and feel like, although maybe I wasn’t a perfect fit, I have “never been known to not be able to slide right in and make friends”-as noted by a So Cal friend. I miss having good friends close. And although I can see the link between the bay area and my now overly cautious and callous nature, my attitude is my own and I blame no one. And if I’m being honest, I am now too fearful, cautious and untrusting to be comfortable with my ability to make friends and fit in anywhere, which worries me because I know how important good friends can be. “Friends are the family we choose.” I simply don’t know how to make friends anymore because you have to trust friends.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had someone I loved so much close to me. I miss all the crazy laughter and have not experienced someone’s quirks being endearing rather than obnoxious for quite some time because of the score-keeping and backstabbing I’ve witnessed I’m more than a little guarded and perhaps even a little paranoid. (This is why Kelli and I need to live next door to each other and have one giant back yard :). That and so she can raise my kids because she’s an unbelievably fantastic mom.)

I’m worried about finances. (warning:::: I’m about to sound like an ungrateful snob::::). Times are tight right now. For everyone. Except they weren’t for me. I was a making good money doing a job I loved (with co-workers I didn’t). Suffice it to say, I was financially secure and making some really good headway in life and the savings department. I was able to do things and travel places I often thought not possible. And now I’ve quit. And think I may be going back to school. Paying out of state tuition. For a degree that won’t pay any more than I’m already making. Oh, and there’s no work in Salt Lake (where I would go to school) and even if there was, I’d be making half what is fair (and literally half of what I was getting paid). And I don’t necessarily want to change careers. I just want to know stuff. I’m such an idiot.

I don’t want to be, yet again, worried about money. Well, to be more honest, I don’t want to give up the ability I had to travel and take a break when needed. I feel like I was in survival mode for so long (having worked full time since I was 16 all through high school and even through out nursing school). I’m afraid to go back to survival mode. And I really really don’t want to. I neglected a lot of important things in that mode. Things I’m still playing catch up with-like my health. If I go back to school it will most likely either put me deep into debt or significantly cut down on the amount of places and experiences I could have. No money may not buy happiness, but it certainly provides opportunity for experience, and significantly lessens the stress in life.

I just wish I knew if these are okay decisions. One that wouldn’t cause major damage for several years to come, or freak me out for years to come.