Lately...

I don’t blog much. In fact, I hate writing. I’m more of a speaker, despite my best efforts to keep my mouth shut.This is merely my attempt to be a little more than completely anti-productive.

This year has been a doosey. (And by year I mean 12 months, not specifically a calendar year).

I spent the last year and a half in the bay area of California. A beautiful, beautiful place, with not so beautiful people. I know everywhere has it’s problem people but it just seemed that nearly all the people there hated everyone. Without going into details I can say that it was enough to leave some significant scars and making me feel like a hateful, callous hermit. And any place that’s mean enough to hermitize me is pretty ugly as, once again, despite my best efforts, I’m a social girl. I like to be around people. I like new experiences and new places, and most of all a good laugh at all our awkward attempts at being human.

I miss having good friends. A lot. I’ve done a fair amount of traveling and feel like, although maybe I wasn’t a perfect fit, I have “never been known to not be able to slide right in and make friends”-as noted by a So Cal friend. I miss having good friends close. And although I can see the link between the bay area and my now overly cautious and callous nature, my attitude is my own and I blame no one. And if I’m being honest, I am now too fearful, cautious and untrusting to be comfortable with my ability to make friends and fit in anywhere, which worries me because I know how important good friends can be. “Friends are the family we choose.” I simply don’t know how to make friends anymore because you have to trust friends.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had someone I loved so much close to me. I miss all the crazy laughter and have not experienced someone’s quirks being endearing rather than obnoxious for quite some time because of the score-keeping and backstabbing I’ve witnessed I’m more than a little guarded and perhaps even a little paranoid. (This is why Kelli and I need to live next door to each other and have one giant back yard :). That and so she can raise my kids because she’s an unbelievably fantastic mom.)

I’m worried about finances. (warning:::: I’m about to sound like an ungrateful snob::::). Times are tight right now. For everyone. Except they weren’t for me. I was a making good money doing a job I loved (with co-workers I didn’t). Suffice it to say, I was financially secure and making some really good headway in life and the savings department. I was able to do things and travel places I often thought not possible. And now I’ve quit. And think I may be going back to school. Paying out of state tuition. For a degree that won’t pay any more than I’m already making. Oh, and there’s no work in Salt Lake (where I would go to school) and even if there was, I’d be making half what is fair (and literally half of what I was getting paid). And I don’t necessarily want to change careers. I just want to know stuff. I’m such an idiot.

I don’t want to be, yet again, worried about money. Well, to be more honest, I don’t want to give up the ability I had to travel and take a break when needed. I feel like I was in survival mode for so long (having worked full time since I was 16 all through high school and even through out nursing school). I’m afraid to go back to survival mode. And I really really don’t want to. I neglected a lot of important things in that mode. Things I’m still playing catch up with-like my health. If I go back to school it will most likely either put me deep into debt or significantly cut down on the amount of places and experiences I could have. No money may not buy happiness, but it certainly provides opportunity for experience, and significantly lessens the stress in life.

I just wish I knew if these are okay decisions. One that wouldn’t cause major damage for several years to come, or freak me out for years to come.