Monday, October 25, 2010

I really really really want to go!

I have the opportunity to go to Thailand, well Asia. I applied for a study abroad program through the University of Utah. The program doesn’t start until mid-December and I have no where to be until then. (I literally don’t have anywhere to just be. A physical place to exist in, I have not. I quit my job to go home to see my Dad after a serious hospitalization-everything looks ok now-and to save my soul. It was one of those working environments.) So essentially I have 7 weeks before I have to be in Thailand for the study abroad. What to do until then? WELL.

:) Well, I have a sister in China right now teaching English and how cool would it be to fly to China and work my way over to Thailand from there? Pretty darn cool my friends.

Anyway, that’s my idea. I run into these problems though: I’m American. Blonde. Female. Traveling alone. And drop dead gorgeous. Life just is not fair.

There are probably a few people that I could call and might be able to travel with me but this is something I really want to do on my own.

I’ve lost a lot of myself in the last year or so. The bay area is rough. The people are hurtful and have left some scars; some that I feel have impacted me more than I would have liked and made me ugly.

I’ve never been an uber-motivated person but I do ok. Anything that I have been able to do has been of my own accord even if it did take more work for my to muster the commitment more than it does for most. I need to go back there. I need to get to a place where I am my own captain and rough seas (or people) will not sway my connection with God and my confidence in myself. I’m embarrassed that for as close as I felt to my Heavenly Father I was so, comparatively, easily swayed and brought down. Disparaging myself-and worse, others- along the way. When I should have been building us all up, I all but joined the sad and non-progressive attitude of the area.

At one point to squelch the disconnect I felt there, and knowing how close a connection my happiness and spirit have to both progressive goals and fitness, I did my best and tried to train for a marathon. It did help but I didn’t fight hard enough, getting up to 15.5 miles (hill training even!) and when my body gave up on one run, so did I, feeling the heavy weight of bay area general increase of gravity on ones gumption.

I do not blame the people. I blame myself for not rising above it and living in ways that I know bring happiness. Suffice it to say I am painfully lazy, listless, and have the untrue notion that nothing matters and regardless of the effort I put in today will eventually be swallowed up in my inability to maintain positive change.

That being said, I would love to go to Asia. I know travel doesn’t solve problems but it does, I believe make one a better person and make one look introspectively. I’ve felt it before and it feels good. It’s like it’s okay to be who I choose and I have to because there are so many outside factors to choose against. I could really use the time to commune with myself, make conscious decisions of how I will behave and how I will treat others. It will also give me time to improve upon my physical health (which as I stated before has a major effect on my spiritual well-being). I hope to do a lot of land travel. I’m not sure how much will be possible just yet, but that would be ideal.

I’ve been told I don’t give myself enough credit and I know I should be proud of my 15.5 miles (which I was, well am) but what good does having done it once do for my body and soul now? if I don’t keep it up? If I give up when things get tough? That’s never been my style and I fear I may have adopted a little bit of the bay area passive approach to life; waiting for things to happen to me and being pushed around by whatever blows my way or creates resistance. I think I’ll go back to plowing my own way, thank you very much. I was much happier welcoming the bumps in the road as something to look back on as another mountain climbed.

More to come...well probably not, but I’m going to post this before I delete it entirely. :)

1 comment:

Marcey Moreno said...

if you do it, I must insist that you check in on a regular basis so we all know that you are still alive. I say go for it.