Tuesday, February 10, 2009

My Biggest Insecurity

My biggest insecurity is that I have insecurities. You see, when people like you because you’re confident and secure the tiniest insecurity becomes a big deal because it’s very existence shatters the one thing about you that you could use as an argument against insecurities at a low point. As people, and friends, we tend to use someone’s strong points to counter their weak points when feeling down. However, when I’m feeling down and insecure my counter would be, “you’re never insecure or down”. You see my problem?

Truth be told I am relatively very secure and comfortable with myself. It’s when other people get involved that it gets sticky. Whereas, I don’t necessarily care or worry a whole ton about what others think or feel about me, knowing simply that not everyone is going to love me- or hate me for that matter. Some won’t bother to notice at all and that’s okay; I don’t mind. The grey area is knowing people will be let down when they realize I’m not everything, or a better way to say it, I’m not what, they hoped for. I’m just different from what a single person hoped/wanted. Example: one might find me too ambitious and lively whereas another may wish I was more so. Either way, I’ve come to know myself very well. I’m not so upset when people aren’t interested or lose interest (funny, how I talk like that’s ever happened, but in the interest of my theory, we’ll let it slide).

I am the very opposite of myself in nearly every aspect of my personality and actuality. For those of you who know me, feel free to add to the list of iconoclasts that make me so contradictory. Here’s a short list of things that I’ve come up with:

Outgoing and shy
Insensitive and easily touched
Ambitious and unmotivated
Confident and insecure
Logical and irrational
Active and lazy
Open and guarded
Don’t care what you think but need to hear it
Defensive but not easily offended
Argues for sport but hates conflict

So when your strengths are synonymous with your weaknesses it’s easy to disappoint. Akin to this problem is my confidence in my ability to become and do anything I want, knowing that if I don’t succeed it’s usually just a lack of effort. (Even if the effort required would be massive and difficult, it’s still just because I didn’t do more.)

--side note—there have been times I wish I had the ability to give up. That all of this obnoxious ability to keep going regardless of obstacle and opposition would go away. The result is that I know I can make it through just about anything. I hate that. Because I know this, there’s no hope of excuse or long-lasting meltdown in my life. I know that I have the ability to do and become just about anything I put my mind to but I seriously doubt that I’ll actually do it.

I think my whole family suffers from this dual blessing/curse of ability vs. realization of ability (or in other words, confidence/lack of confidence). I read in one of my brother, Chris’ scribblings once that sums it up better than I ever could. He referred to it as “wasted potential”. But just like me, I think he feels the compulsion not to waste it. But when you feel you can do anything, where do you begin!? And are you then required to become everything to everyone?! (I really see my sister, Cheri, caught in this conundrum.) --end side note—

Anyway, so that’s my biggest insecurity. That I can but won’t because I’m insecure.

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