Sunday, August 18, 2013

I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want.

I want it all. But mostly I want a million kids. Orphans. And my own, that’d be cool, too. A science experiment with someone else to see what happens when you mash our genes together. I’d like that too. But definitely orphans.

I want to be the crazy lady with 40+ kids. I feel like God as put my kids all around the world and I need to go and collect them. And I will apologize to each one of them telling them I’m sorry it took me so long to find them. I will take in anyone who’s ever felt unloved. I will beat it into their heads that they are mine. And always were, just misplaced. And I will spend forever forcing the truth that I love them on them until they are so sick of hearing it they’ll want to puke their guts out.

And I want to play with them. I want to bless and hug them. I want them to be happy and healthy. Pretty much my main motivation for learning sometimes is so that I’ll be more proficient than I am now at things, like eating healthy, and being kind for when I do have my kids.

In a lot of ways, I feel like I’ve spent a large portion of my life trying to parent myself. To teach myself the things I wish I had learned as a child. Even just basics, like brush your teeth, comb your hair, share. Like learn to apologize. To let things go. I do the best I can to coach myself in things like this so that when I have my first, and 42nd child I’ll be a better coach for them so that they will grow up with a passion for learning and because knowing these things young can have a huge impact your entire life and make it much more enjoyable from the start. I’m still trying to teach myself some basic things that a lot of people have never been taught.

Often when I’m really struggling with something, I’ll think to myself, what would I hope my children would do, what would I counsel them to do if they were in this situation? To be honest, a lot of the time I get over things so quickly...but even if they don’t matter much to my head... I treat it as though it is really impacting me so that I could learn how to get through it and be a better resource for my kids.

And I want to be a world traveler, going around collecting my children from wherever they are in the world and bringing them back home to me and then taking them out again scouring the planet seeing all that God has given us and bringing more into our family. Our perfectly chaotic, blissfully weird family.

Although, being on my own and lacking funds and time for the support of 40+ orphans right now, I’ll have to start with just one or two. I already found three of my children, in Ecuador. I don’t know how to get them though. Their mother won’t give up her rights, although from what I can see-all three of them being in the orphanage-she doesn’t want them. And in Ecuador you can’t choose the child you want to adopt. Two major obstacles to getting them here. Okay maybe five. Five of my kids are there but three of them are siblings and want them together, so I’d take them first to prevent them from being split up into different orphanages, even they haven’t been already.

I’d take them home today if I could. I don’t say that tongue in cheek. I would actually take them home today and I would make it work. Whatever it took.

It’s so frustrating to love someone so much and not be able to have them. Not even really to have them, but to make sure they have what they need. Even if I don’t have them, how can I make sure they have all the could ever possibly benefit from? I’m sure I’d be okay with someone else having them if they’d be good to them. Sure, I would rather have them. They are mine. But if I couldn’t...I at least want them protected, blessed with the opportunity for whatever future it is they want. I want them to have a choice.

There you have it. I want to be crazy, orphan-loving, adopting mad woman.

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